When I was pregnant with twins and parenting a 3 and 5-year-old, I had a MOTHER crisis! You know when mothering feels bleak and monotonous and you’re not sure you signed up for this whole nurture gig, and just want to get on a plane to Hawaii and run away. I think we have all been there to some extent, where it doesn’t feel like the work that we do as mothers is important, it feels like we’re saying and doing the same things over and over again. Loading and reloading the dishwasher, cooking and cleaning, washing and folding the same mountains of laundry.
Repeating ourselves: “Go to the bathroom.”, “Put your shoes away.”, “Did you wash your hands… with soap!”, “Share with your sister.”
Or perhaps you’re facing deep identity questions like, What does it mean to be a good mother ? How does God define good motherhood? Where is their room for my own person-hood? Motherhood in itself causes an identity crisis. Overnight you become a sole caretaker for another human being and you may not even be sure who you are, or how to take care of yourself. I know I wasn’t.
There are no quick answers for these deep questions and motherhood doesn’t look identical for any two women. Motherhood is a dynamic calling with lots of variables. It shouldn’t be defined by cultural or even religious expectations because we know that these shift and change in different generations and just because they have been doesn’t mean they are correct.
All that being said God has given both mothers and fathers the role of training their children in the way that they should go; teaching them the way to live life in God’s empire. This is not easy work but it is vitally important and it may be the most impactful influence we will ever have on another human being. Daily mothering struggles can add up to exhaustion and heaps of lingering questions about our role in the midst of a variety of messages about what a mother should be, which is draining!
It took many months, prayers, a women’s retreat, three good audio books, and the passing of some crazy hormones for me to dig out of the mother crisis I was in but I did find some tools that helped me gain perspective and get my mothering grove back (90s flashback). I don’t have all the answers for you but I do have some insights that I have found to be particularly helpful.
I want to share these 3 insights with you today!
1. Check Your Body
When we’re feeling burnt out and done with life the most obvious yet powerful things we can do is right in our reach. I know the term “self-care” is thrown around like confetti these days, gurus use it as the end all answer for every female problem. However, there is some real validity to this term especially in the wired world we’re living in, we have become disengaged from our body’s simplest needs.
We are staying up later, scrolling through blue lit devices or binging Netflix, engaged in more virtual relationships than physical ones, and we are interacting with creation less. In turn we are out of touch with the natural rhythms our bodies crave for rest, connection, and nourishment.
Just, the other day, I sat exhausted at….9 pm, my husband whispered this,
“Go to bed, Sleep is your super power.”
Ah! These simple words have been ringing in my ears and they are so true! Even though I don’t want to admit that I need rest… especially at 9 o’clock at night, I do! Although, we know how vital it is for our children’s sanity to get rest we go to bed at midnight and walk around crabby and fragile all day, trying to Google if we have adrenal fatigue. Go to bed!
Sure, there will be days to stay up late with friends or to watch a good show but it wears on you and your attitude when you do it everyday. We need rest because we are only humans. Our real super power is found when we acknowledge our fragility before God and embrace our creature-liness.
Next, make sure you have consistent scheduled time to connect with others in a way that is meaningful to you. Whether it is a book club, moms bible study, or getting together for drinks! You need time to connect with others that you trust on deeper level than the common superficial waves we can get used to as busy moms. ( Especially you introverted mamas! I’m preaching to the choir right now.)
Third, connect with the creation around you at least once a day. Whether that is hike, a walk in the park, gardening, or even cooking a homemade meal from scratch and sitting down enjoy your food without a million interruptions. It is important to unplug and get outdoors at least once a day if not more.
Lastly, make sure to nourish your body and soul well. I have found so much food freedom and renewed energy by following a low glycemic diet named, THM. I have struggled with how to eat well for a long time but this lifestyle is sustainable, satisfies my sweet tooth, while keeping my blood sugar balanced, and teaches me how to eat whole foods in satisfying ways. If you want to learn more check out future posts on nutrition.
We’re embodied creatures and what we put into our bodies effects our mental health, nervous system, and energy levels so it is important to understand how to do this well. In addition to nourishing our bodies make sure to take time to nourish our soul with the things that make us feel alive like painting, dancing, playing piano, writing or whatever other hobby makes our hears feel happy.
This isn’t just another thing to add to our to-do list, it is vital to not let our passions grow stale, in the midst of all the needs in our families we need to take time for ourselves in order to better serve them. Hey even God took a day off and Sabbath is essential for good work.
2. Remember Your Important Role
Mama, we will never have another opportunity to impact a person more deeply and fully then the little heart(s) we’re shaping when we parent. We’re the architect of our child’s soul; our very words are forming our child’s perspective, attitudes of their heart, even constructing their very self-image. When we reflect on the work we’re doing when we interact with our children we realize that it is profound and meaningful work.
The way we talk with them is not just helping them learn and grow it is building up a framework for how they listen and receive from others. It is both terrifying and wonderful when you realize that our children are listening to us ALL the time. Unfortunately, the old adage, ” Do what I say and not what I do” has proved false. Children are sponges for better or worse, they are learning how to respond to themselves and others, by what we say to them, to ourselves, and to those around us.
As an adult doing my own spiritual work, I am learning many of the ways that I am responding to my own relationships comes out of what I learned as a child. Both my helpful perspectives as well as my destructive ones were formed in childhood and it takes a lot of work to break down these initial foundations, so build carefully.
All that being said, give yourself grace and keep trying. My bonus mom’s parenting advice has been golden,
” Hope to parent, your child a bit better than your own parents did. But, remember no one leaves childhood unscathed !” and I will add ” trust God with the rest.”
3. Recognize Your Eternal Impact
We’re not just teaching good life skills with our constant instructing you’re imparting virtues of the Kingdom of God. This is something I learned through a parenting book I have been listening to on Audible that, I highly recommend called,
“Parenting toward the Kingdom: Orthodox Principles of Child Rearing” by Philip Mamalakis.
In it Dr.Mamalakis, discusses how our parenting isn’t just training our kids to be good adults or to help around the house a bit, but training them to live in the very Kingdom of God. This principle has birthed in me, a deeper capacity to be consistent with the hard work of setting expectations for my children and following through with them.
So, when we’re facing the millionth fight about eating vegetables and we just want to give in and hide all their veggies in a smoothie or something. (I do this too but kids need both hidden veggies and the struggle of eating actual ones) You can hold out and know that you need to train your kids to do hard things at inconvenient times, to be able to make the right choices when they’re tired or don’t want to.
The way that kids learn is not through lectures but through the constant struggle of doing what is godly and good in everyday life. It would be so much easier if they would just listen to our long speeches about what to do BUT they don’t. Even God’s son himself came and learned obedience through suffering here among us ( Heb.5:8)
We aren’t just training them for their futures we’re training them to live in the Kingdom of God. Every time we get them to push through and endure the hardships of growing up and remind them with love to continue in the way– we’re training them in self-control, generosity, patience, kindness, goodness and helping them to flee the temptations they will face when we’re not there to guide them.
Thinking about everyday parenting as actual training for our children’s souls can help flip our perspective and give us the courage to keep going, recognizing that this is deep spiritual work with eternal implications.
I hope you find these tools encouraging and helpful for you in your mothering journey. I would love to hear in the comments below about some tools you use to help you gain perspective when mothering feels bleak.
